Comments on Relationships

Comments on Relationships
Saint Francis through Anina Davenport

How are relationships changing in this time of increased frequencyand what can you do to stay free and centered and focused on Highest Good and that can include helping another person or being helped byanother?

Number one: Practice responsibility. In this new age and in the newkind of relationships that you are forming everyone is responsible fortheir stuff. No more dumping on others and if you do you apologize andsay, "Sorry, I take this back." And then you take it back literally.You take back the negative energies that you deposited on another andprocess them by yourself with the help of your new tools such asvisualizations, mantras, writing, dance, yoga, meditation, counselingor other ways that you have found for yourself. There is no need tosay out loud, "I take this back," or "I'm sorry," but if you do soenergetically the other person will know. He or she will feel lighterand relieved.

Number two: Practice energetic hygiene. We talk about this in ourbooks. It means you say what you mean and you mean what you say.Energetically it means you are grounded and rooted in your Self orHigher Self. You don't leave your energy all over the place. You speakwhen you have something to say and don't when you don't. You are kindbut you don't rescue others from themselves. You are thoughtful butnot lost in your thoughts. You live here and now.

Number three: You strive for authenticity not perfection. There is nosuch thing as perfection really. Have you ever thought of that? Thereis no such thing as perfection also in relationship. There is noperfect relationship. Let us repeat this one. There is no perfectrelationship. There is good enough. There is lovely, fun, andenjoyable but perfect there is not and if you expect perfect youexpect what cannot exist. Would you want to live with someone whokeeps looking at you with a critical __expression on his or her facesaying, "Well, not perfect yet. Not good enough. If you could justchange A, B, C, D, E, F, G .. (laughter) about yourself it might work."

Number four: Take responsibility for your beliefs. If a beliefcreates conflict in your relationship then investigate it. Instead ofsaying, "Well I've always believed that," go deeper. Why do you havethis belief? Where does it come from? Whenever you hear yourself say,"I cannot accept so and so," investigate. Why is that? Non-acceptanceusually results from fear. What fear is there underneath? Go deep.Don't just accept what you don't want to accept but look at what isgoing on. Watch your thoughts, your intentions, your patterns. Whatcan you learn about yourself?

Number five: Don't sacrifice yourself. Helping another is differentfrom giving yourself up for another. Be smart about helping. Don'treinforce your or other people's old patterns. For example yourhusband is having a temper tantrum and you rush in to help him. Whatdoes he learn? Temper tantrums work. What did you learn? "If I caterto his temper tantrums they stop at some point." It seems like successbut if you step back it is not. Next time let him have his tempertantrums. Go for a walk. Meet for coffee with a friend. Have a niceday (amused).

Another example: Your wife criticizes you, not constructively but outof habit. "You don't make enough money," she says. Let's assume youhave been working hard but have not been able to earn as much as shewould like. Instead of apologizing or feeling guilty, stand up foryourself. Say, "I have been looking for a better job but this is whatI have right now and this is what I earn." She will say, "Not goodenough." You need to say, "This is what is right now. I cannot changeit right now. This is my reality." If you stand your ground she willeventually say, "Well, you are right. You did work hard this year andthis is the income you make and we do get by." If she is notinterested in reality you might have a bigger problem in yourrelationship but hang in there for awhile. Counter with what is whenshe criticizes you. Give it some time. At some point she might say,"Oh, this is what is. I have to accept reality." Maybe she won't usethese exact words but she might say something like this.

Number six: Accept what is. This is a prescription for enlightenmentalthough it needs to be explained properly. It is not about martyrdomor letting others walk all over you but it means you deal with facts.If your wife has beautiful dark hair you don't wish her to be ablonde. You love who is in front of you. That is being practical andwise and not foolish. The foolish create suffering for themselves byalways questioning what is. "What if I had married Martha? Maybe lifewould have been more exciting?" But you did not. You married Jane sohow can you have a good day with Jane right here right now?

Number seven: Leave when it is time to leave. There are times inclose and also in less close relationships when it is time to move on,when you have truly investigated and searched yourself and tried topatch things up with the other and it is just not working. Then it istime to leave. It is easier to leave if you have truly exhausted otheravenues. Relationships can be hard at times. We don't mean leave atany conflict but when it's time it is time.Are there questions?

Questioner: You have not mentioned communication. Why?

Saint Francis: Right communication arises out of the points we havementioned. If you keep your energy clear and deal with 'what is' wordswill come and they will be clear and serve Highest Good.

Questioner: How about conflict resolution?

Saint Francis: Conflict has a lot to do with fear. Usually some oldfear gets stirred within you and you get defensive. Rather thansaying, "I don't agree with your opinion," you say, "You are so mean.How can you say this? You really hurt me now. I don't know if I'llever get over this one," (laughter). Seriously, look for what hastriggered you. What old fear, old wound, old pain came up? Clear thatand then give another response. That is communication not reaction outof pain and past hurt.

Questioner: But sometimes we get triggered?

Saint Francis: Yes of course and if you never speak up a littletemper tantrum might be better than being stoic and suppressingyourself but in the long run you want to move toward maturity.


Questioner: What is maturity?

Saint Francis: Good question. It means first and foremost that youlive in the now. You take care of yourself and your business so tospeak. You pay your rent, mow the lawn, take care of your kids, yourdog, etc.Questioner: Take out the garbage?Saint Francis: Yes.

Questioner: The energetic garbage too?Saint Francis: Yes, you practice energetic hygiene. You transformyour energetic garbage. You don't give it to your neighbors or others.You find ways to process it. You live now and you deal with 'what is'.The heater needs to be fixed. The customer needs new supplies. Yourdaughter has an appointment at the dentist. The book needs to beedited. The flowers need water. Questioner: And in between I meditate?


Saint Francis: Life should become a meditation. It is not, "Let mefix my daughter's bike right quick so I can run up and meditate." Thequestion is more, "How can this task which I like or don't like (itdoes not matter) be a meditation?"


Questioner: I slow it down?Saint Francis: Yes, you do it thoughtfully with love and you can doit with love and not like it that much. Relax, breathe, focus on what is.

Questioner: But I can still meditate?Saint Francis: Yes, do that too. Sit and breathe. Relax. Feel yourbody and then do your mantra or whatever way you meditate. If youbecome more gentle to yourself, if you become more loving, lessdemanding, more accepting, your outside will change, your spouse willalso become more accepting or maybe there will be someone else for youbut don't push it. Work on yourself and see what happens. Our love iswith you.


Copyright Anina Davenport 2006